Gndr_Rebel's thoughts and times

So there’s two things that have been heavy on my mind lately. Well really more than two but that’s all I feel like talking about right now.
I know at first glance I am female. I have a chest and I am aware of this fact. This is why right now I don’t get all up in people’s faces when they first meet me and use female pronouns. This is people’s natural reaction, I get this. My issue is with the queer community. When I go out to a gay/queer establishment and am served by family I don’t expect you to make a pronoun call for the entire group. Here in the south there is nothing wrong with you server addressing our group as y’all. But I do have a problem with you looking at us and deciding my best bud is female because he is with two women. This is bullshit and since every time you addressed the group as ladies he completely ignored you and you noticed, you should have modified how you addressed us. If I hadn’t been in so much pain I would have educated you yesterday. I’m hoping one of the group remembers your name because I will be writing the establishment. Obviously the community needs to do more education. As someone who works for tips you need to get a clue fast. I don’t think any of us tipped you and that’s why! You are a cute twink but you need to get a clue! Ignorance isn’t bliss, especially in your own community.
I could see some confusion if my bud looked female at all but he looks and acts like a cute little gay boy. You would have been much better off flirting with him. You would have gained my respect as well as his. This was my first time at your establishment and after the way you behaved I’m thinking about never returning. Yes right now I am only one person, but I believe one person can make a difference. I will write management with or with out your name. I want the community to be respectful. I want to be judged not on my gender but on my person and abilities. For this we have to stand together as a community and not belittle each other.
End of that rant for now…
The other thing that’s been taking up a lot of my mind space has been my job. Having not worked for 3 weeks now it’s making me re-evaluate what I’ve been doing. I really want to say to hell with the corporate world and start going after my dream again. The practical side of me is telling me not to do it, I have to be able to pay the bills. Going to work kills me slowly, bit by bit, day by day. My creativity has hit a wall. I have a ton of images to work and can’t get the urge to do so. I’m depressed because I’m doing the corporate grind. This is not where I thought I would be at this age.
I want it to be time for me to go after my dreams. I have always been the sensible one. The one who makes sure the bills are paid and things are kept up. I am tired of that. I want someone to take charge of that. I want to have someone support me and tell me my dream can come true. I want someone to stand beside me as I try and fail and try again. I envy those people who support themselves with what they love. I want to take that leap. I want someone to lovingly shove me off that cliff into the unknown.

Yes I think I have finally found a gender neutral name that fits. I have been think and working around with names I like and things to see what fits. I have been trying to work part of my birth name into it but the names I was given at birth are very much girl names. I have never used my middle name in any way. In fact I have shortened it to just an initial on all legal documents. In writing this I just realized while writing this that the name I have chosen starts with the same initial.

Ok so I am trying on Ryn (pronounced wren like the bird). Different spelling because I am pulling it from my birth name and my family has to spell things differently (and yet they wonder why I have spelling issues) and my given birth name is spelled the Welsh way.  It just kinda came to me recently and totally distracted me at the time. I think its going to be a good fit and as neutral as I want it to be. Now all that’s left is to get people to start using it.

*edited for content and so that it makes sense. note to self don’t wright when you have taken pain meds and sleep meds!

So I’ve pretty much given up asking anyone for anything clothing related for any birthday or holiday. I would rather get a gift card or money so I can shop for myself. But this year I asked for one item of clothing from my parents for Christmas. I wanted a Steelers hoodie. I love my hoodies! One ex even lovingly called me a hoodie whore. They are my normal chilly weather wear. In fact I am snuggled in my Uni of Pitt hoodie as I type this.

Now I figured a Steelers hoodie was’t too hard for my mom to obtain. They live in PA and Brat, my younger brother, lives in Pittsburgh. So I was really excited when Mom said she was sending down a Christmas box. I expected a nice large back and gold hoodie. Not exactly what was in the box. There was a blue sweater with 3 quarter length sleeves and a woman’s zip sweatshirt. I was very let down.

I kinda expected something “girly” because my mom doesn’t really approve of the section where I buy my tops but really I thought we worked this out years ago. Mom buys me stuff from the woman’s department and I return it. I thought we had come to an understanding this past September when we did birthday shopping together at the outlets and she didn’t bat an eye when I headed to the mens department to get my shirts. She only pointed out one womans shirt to me and I explained that the cut was ok but the buttons started half way down my chest. I DO NOT show off my chest in anything!

I just don’t quite get her refusal to understand. It’s not like this has just started. I have shopped in the mens sections for oh almost 20 years now. Even in High School I tended to drift in to the mens department because I didn’t like how tight most of the girls tops were. Yes even then I had some girly clothing as well as guys clothing. Back then she got more of a say in my wardrobe since they paid for it all. But I really don’t get the refusal now. Next year I’m just asking for gift cards so I can go happily to Target, Macy’s, Penny’s and Old Navy to buy what I like!

Ok so this thought has been running around in my head for a while now. I think we need a Queer Big Brother/Big Sisters program. My way to get this started is through social media.

Look how BIG the “It Gets Better” campaign has gotten. I think we can make Queer Big Siblings huge! I am going to start smallish. I want anyone who reads this or is a twitter friend to Friend me on FaceBook and let me know if you want to help as a QBS, or you are a Little Queer Sibling that wants someone to talk to. I am also looking for people to help me match QBS to LQS. Right now I am not worried where you are. I want my friends from every where to sign up. I want to match Siblings based on identity, location, willingness. Right now you don’t even have to be close to your LQS or QBS but you must have the time to answer e-mails, texts, tweets, how ever you choose to communicate. I am not asking that you provide your phone numbers unless you want to. If you have a smart phone you can always set up a google voice number or a skype number. It’s just important that you are reachable.

If you are able to help me get started please comment or email or tweet me. My Facebook page for QBS is: Gender Rebel’s Queer Big Siblings Please sign up to help me!

So my mind has been working over time as of late. Usually not a bad thing but I am not happy with some of the turns my mind is taking. I have made a big decision though… I have decided to go confront a friend who has tried to push me from their life. Usually I would just walk away, because if you don’t want me around I have better things to do with my time. This person though is very important to me. We have been through a lot together in the last 5 years and I have decided that they have had plenty of time to get over their issue and now it’s time that we sit and talk. I am also getting a chance to meet a friend that I have texted for the past 2 years on an off. I am excited by this, though I have to wait till I have extra gas money since they are both living 2 hours away. If you would have told me a few years ago that I would drive 2 hours to meet someone that I texted with I would have laughed at you. But now there are just so many more opportunities for me to meet people and I am slowly working on getting over my shyness. Two years ago I would never have even thought about flying cross country by myself to meet people and do a photo shoot no matter how much I loved my photography. But I proved to myself that I could do it and I had many friends supporting me as I did so. That is the real reason to be. Friendship and Family. By Family I don’t always mean that Family you were born into. Now don’t get me wrong my birth family is very supportive of me but they are not here. They are scattered through out the united states and while my parents are a phone call away they don’t understand a lot of what I go through daily. My chosen family on the other hand is mostly queer, gay, lesbian individuals. We identify many ways and yet are still able to get along and support each other. I have gay brothers and straight sisters. I have queer siblings and transgendered siblings. I have many people in my life who understand a label is just that. Something we may attach to ourselves to help others understand us a little better, but not something that fully defines us. I believe that my friends and family have helped me become the person I am today. ALL my friends and family! Some times these people have only been part of my life for a little while and some of them are in it for the long haul. What ever roll they have played in my life they have helped me learn things about myself and my relationship with and to others. I am blessed to have them all in my life! This is not what I had intended to write when I sat down with my laptop today but obviously it was something I felt I needed to get out. So to all my Friends and Family, Thank you for showing faith in me and Pride at my accomplishments no matter how small they might have been. I love you all!